Randy Felton
Potter’s Clay Ministries, Inc.
417 NW 42nd St.
Oklahoma City, OK 73118
Shalom2@cox.net
www.haydid.org/potter.htm

Betrothal & Marriage

The class, to follow continuity, should begin with the betrothal and marriage and then follow with the family structure. So I am going to start at the beginning and realize that our class has evolved a little out of order.

The outline should be something like this:

  1. Betrothal / Marriage
  2. The Biblical Family Structure
  3. Husbands & Wives
  4. Children
  5. We Bless our Sons
  6. We Bless our Daughters
  7. Blessings & Curses
  8. Sabbath
  9. Table Blessing, or "Benching"
  10. The Home, A Pattern From Scripture
  11. There Was a Man Named Abram, The Covenant
  12. The Prayer Closet
  13. The Nazarite Vow
  14. The Washing of Water With the Word

We will now look at the acts of Betrothal and Marriage from the Biblical perspective. I am going to recommend a book by Maurice Lamm, titled, "The Jewish Way in Love & Marriage" I also suggest you look at "Everyman’s Talmud" by A. Cohen.

To the ancient Jews, the idea of romantic love was a foreign concept. The marriages were of a more practical nature. Most marriages were arranged by the parents, sometimes before birth. This arrangement was binding with exception. The bride had the right of refusal. A man may not "take" or "acquire" a wife against her will. It must be done with her consent. This is the reason for the two witnesses at the betrothal and wedding. The witnesses assure that the bride is not agreeing under duress or coercion. The process of betrothal requires a "bride price" to be paid or a gift given to the bride. This makes the betrothal a legal conveyance. The sum is not important, although in Judaism there is a minimum amount, usually an insignificant amount, it is only to create a legal transaction. This is where we get our custom of giving an "engagement" ring. The betrothal is quite different from our understanding of engagement. In our society, we understand engagement as a promise to marry at some future date. If there is some problem or change of heart, the engagement is simply broken. No harm, no foul. A betrothal is a binding, legal transaction that is an integral part of the marriage. Once you are betrothed, it requires a divorce to break it. It does not matter that you have not cohabited or consummated the marriage, you are in a stage of marriage. For reference see Matthew 1:18 ( KJV has "espoused" which means betrothed). At this time it is also customary for the bridegroom to pour a cup of wine and drink half of it, then he will offer it to his chosen and if she drinks the other half, the marriage is begun…they are betrothed.

We have some interesting parallels. The bride has the right of refusal. Just a Jesus has chosen us as His bride, we have the right to refuse His calling. However, once we have accepted His bride price and have taken our half of the cup, we are married. From then on, we can only be put away by a writing of divorce. If you want a picture of how God views His marriage intentions, read Hosea. Jesus, paid the bride price with the exchange of His own life. He drank the first half of the marriage cup at the Passover Seder. We drink our half, each time we take communion. We are betrothed to our bridegroom, Jesus and are waiting until He comes for us to consummate the marriage.

Once the betrothal has taken place and the marriage is started, there are some things that would take place. The groom would return to his father’s house and begin preparing a room, or place to bring his bride. The father is the only one with the authority to say when the preparations were finished. Only when he said it is finished, could the bridegroom go and get his bride and bring her home to his father’s house. Then there was a wedding feast and the marriage was complete. This explains why Jesus said He did not know the hour of His returning, only His father. (Matthew 24:36)

Understanding the betrothal helps us make sense of some of the scripture. Our western concept of engagement only makes confusion. Marriage is given to us as a pattern to follow and lead us to the Father.

Biblical Family Structure

The history of the Israelite people is predicated on the Divine promise made to its eponymous ancestor, Israel and his progenitors.

The history of the Israelite people is based on the Divine promise made to those given His name, Israel and to his ancestors.

I have decided to go with the simpler language as in the second sentence rather than the wording used in my source. Most of this lesson is drawn from the Encyclopaedia Judaica, copyright 1972. The Biblical family has not really changed but modern society has tried to reinterpret it to suit its changing perception. I am interested in what God has originally planned for us. The Scripture will be our guide and our authority. The Jewish sources and history will help us understand how these were interpreted in ancient times.

Note: intermarriage – ie: half-sister, etc., there is indication that a wife could be "adopted" as a sister to enhance her status within the extended family. This was probably more the concern when there was the practice of polygamy. Thus there is no conflict between the narrative and the law in Lev. 18:9 and other passages.

The family unit is partriarchical. The family was termed "bet av", house of the father. To found a family was to build a house. The "bayit", house, was a subdivision of the "mishpahah", family or clan. The criterion for family membership was a blood relationship, legal ties ( marriage or adoption ), or geographical proximity. The father was head of the family and owner of its property. (Numbers 26:54-55) The father was the chief authority. He was expected to be benevolent, to show love to his family and also pity. (Psalms 103:13; Genesis 25:28;37:4;44:20)

The patriarchal blessing carried legal force with regard to the distribution of the estate of the father.

The mother occupied a place of honor and authority in spite of her subordination to her husband. At his death she could become the actual and legal head of the household (11Kings 8:16) if there were no sons of a responsible age. I will also say that because of the position and responsibility of the mother there were certain religious duties and requirements that they were exempt from doing. They were excused, but not forbidden. This would include the participation in the synagogue and offering of sacrifices in the Temple and certain liturgy.

Being childless was a great calamity and was seen as the greatest misfortune to befall a woman. (Genesis 30:23; 1Samuel 1) The mother was more directly involved in the training of the children than the father. When the children grew older, the father assumed more responsibility for instructing the son. The father had the obligation to teach his children the Word of God as soon as they were able to understand. The Shema ( Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ) was the first Scripture committed to memory.

The mother trained the children in daily life and social skills. The father was more responsible for the spiritual growth and teaching a trade.

Children were instructed to honor both parents. ( Exodus 20:122; Deuteronomy 5:16 ) The decline in respect for parents was symptomatic of the dissolution of society in general. Respect was primarily shown by obedience. ( Ezekiel 22:7; Micah 7:16; Proverbs 20:20 )

Parental control extended to the right to arrange marriage or sell their daughters into marriage. To a certain extent, they could sell their daughters into slavery, but never into prostitution. (Genesis 28:7; Leviticus 19:3; Deuteronomy 21:18-21; Exodus 21:7-11; Nehemiah 5:5; and see also Leviticus 19:29)

The title father seemed to indicate a broader role of the patriarch, ie; Father of the City, etc. The title brother / sister were titles that extended beyond immediate siblings.

The father was the patriarch of the family and had the duties of making the decisions and also the responsibilities that went with them.

 

Husbands & Wives

I was told that there did not seem to be much New Testament scripture included with the teaching in these lessons. OK, I will start with the New Testament and go backward to see if that helps.

Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;

3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

  1. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

And again, we read in Colossians –

Col 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

  1. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

Now, from Titus;

Titus 1:15 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.

16 They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.

Titus 2:1 But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:

2 That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.

3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

6 Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.

7 In all things showing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine showing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,

  1. Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

Over and over we are told that wives are to be under submission to their husbands. BUT, husbands are to love their wives as themselves. We have some other factors that get into the picture. I spoke of a couple of them in our last class. We must not forget the cultural and historical context in which some of these letters were written.

When we read about obedience we also read about love. Obedience comes out of love. Love will prompt obedience. Husbands, do you want your wives to be obedient? Love them….as yourself, preferring them to yourself. Wives, do you want your husband to love you? Obey them as you would the Lord. Provoke one another to love and obedience.

From "Everyman’s Talmud" by A. Cohen, we read; " The basis of Jewish social life is the family, and the Talumd is ever watchful to conseve its purity and stability." It goes on to say that there is a marked contrast in how women are seen by the Talmud ( read that Judaism ) as compared to other contemporary peoples. Women are not seen as inferior to man. The sphere of activity may be different, but of no less significance.

The legal ruling is that women are exempt from the rulings of "Thou shalt," the observance of which is dependent upon a definite point of time. Apart from this, the Talmud offers no distinction between the sexes as far as religious responsibility is concerned.

The main goal of a marriage is to serve God and have peace in the home. How can you have peace in your home, without respect for one another? You can’t. The words of Ephesians 5 spring back to mind. Husbands, love your wives as yourself.

There is a reason that God created woman from a rib. This explanation is offered;

"God considered from which part of man to create woman. He said, I will not create her from the head that she should not hold up her head too proudly; nor from the eye that she should not be too curious; nor from the ear that she should not be an eavesdropper; nor from the mouth that she should not be too talkative; nor from the heart that she should be too jealous; nor from the hand that she should not be too acquisitive; nor from the foot that she should not be a gadabout; but from a part of the body which is hidden that she should be modest.

There are three virtues that should be looked for in a mate; modesty, compassion and kindness. Every discussion of a good marriage, peace in the home, or good children refers to one or more of these qualities. These qualities are imperative for both partners. In our society today, there is not enough attention paid to these qualities. Immodesty, rebellion and expressed anger seem to be the normal standards….. what will become of the offspring of such unions?


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